limbo land..

so its been a while.. ive been living a self imposed internet ban or more like restriction.. in an attempt to live life more. Its been good but ive hit a wall.

I finish Uni next year and the questions have begun.. 'What will you do when you graduate?'
and honestly my answer is 'I have no idea'

I am caught in a limbo between two lands..

The first is the belief that i need to change the world, and be heavily involved in environmental, and social reform.. This is a heavy conviction i have, and i want to work hard out toward this but this brings me to my second..

The second approach is that i am young and i need to enjoy this. Its true i am only 21.. and do i need to be getting too heavy with my life and loose my youth?? but can i do a life where i just sit back and work a pointless job

i feel a real sense of urgency about this, i mean if we dont make drastic changes now, more crap will just continue and the earth will fall into even more turmoil, but i dont want to loose these days of my youth..


agghh. why do i think so much.. sometimes i wish i could just settle for whatever, and do what all the other 21 year old girls i know do..

time..

what i hate is the restrictions we place on our time.

when i was away traveling i made a few decisions on how i wanted to live my life when i returned home.. these were things like.. buying a bike and riding places, spending more time worshiping God without singing, have tea parties more often, and go out of my way to accommodate people travelling.

I can safely say of all those things and more that i decided i would do when i get home.. i have done none.

I hate that.. i hate that i made all these decisions out of my exploration of myself, and how i wanted to live and haven't followed through..

I know why this is so too.. its Uni..

I spend so much time of my life studying and i know im meant to as in a uni student but sometimes i wish i could just slow down a bit you know. But its not just uni, its everything else as well. My week is so full that i am scheduling people in to have coffee weeks in advance. I have every night of the week full of one thing or another, and work Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Uni Tuesday and Thursday.. and you know how fast weekends disappear, and i soon find out the week is gone..

This is not good when your at uni cause as weeks disappear so do days appear when assessment is due and your still not quite finished.

I must admit, i have been pretty good so far this semester, and submitted everything on time and to a standard i am proud of. And i also havnt been a hermit doing nothing, i have been to gigs, and spent time with friends.. but today it has just hit me..

I am over being busy. I was looking at a friends pictures of facebook today and that rekindled the ideas that i had while travelling. The ideas of going to the beach, and walking in parks, and painting, and riding bikes, and living life..

I was chatting to my sister, and i was trying to work out if i could drop something in my life to find more time, and she was saying, even if i do that i will soon enough find something else to fill that hole again.

I do love uni. I love that i have this amazing opportunity to learn, and the stuff i am learning i love, and i am challenged in my ideas.. but i feel i cant process this stuff, i am just running around.. learning learning learning and doing assessment so i pass.. But what good is a degree if i havnt lived my life.

I dunno, maybe wishful thinking.. better stop winging and write my oral presentation.

my table

so i decided as i woke up this morning how interesting the books on the table next to my bed are, and how the represent where i am right now. Let me list them


- 'What is Art?' Leo Tolstoy
- 'The Irresistable Revolution' Shane Clairbourne
- 'Punk Monk' Andy Freeman & Pete Greig
- Lonely Planet Guide to Prague
- Lonely Planet Guide to Poland
- 'The Hitchhikers Guide to the Gallexy' 4 part series Douglas Adams
- Bible NIV pockety sizeish
- 'My Utmost for his Highest' Oswold Chambers
- Study guide to the book of Revelations Greg Clarke


You could read alot into this list.

Not only does it show how i dont finish books, but i am exploring different genres.
I have the classic christian books, My utmost, and Tolstoy, with your future travellers book of Lonely Planet. I have the nerdy thing happening with Hitchhickers guide, and the activist in Shanes book. I guess im a bit all over the place at the momment and i hate it. Well thats a lie im just adjusting to my changes.

I went from such structure or well working 6 days and just doing that and being on Uni break to Uni being back and learning new things. Ive started 2 new jobs and trying to get the hang of that, and also change to having sarah live in Brisbane. I dunno i like consistancy in my life and how i act, and at the momment i feel kinda inadequate, and lacking consistancy.